Waiter From Hell

I expect that you'll have no choice but to Roffle after you read this.

"Good evening," the head waiter said "Table for four?” "Yes thank you" "Smoking or non?” "Non-smoking." "Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?” “I guess indoors would be good.” "Very well sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio or our lovely solarium?”"Uh, let me see........uh......." "I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium." "I think the solarium would be lovely," I said. We followed him there."Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains in the west?”"Whatever you recommend," I said. Let him make a decision for a change, I thought.He sat us by a window facing the golf course, the lake or the mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.Then a young man better dressed & better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. "Good evening, my name is Paul & I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order? ""No", I said. “I am just a meat & potatoes guy, so I'll have the steak & a baked potato.""Soup or salad?” "Salad." "We have mixed green salad, okay?” "Whatever you say?” "Dressing?” I didn't want to make another decision. “Whatever you've got will be fine.""We have creamy Italian, Blue cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon Ranch -------""Just bring me one. Surprise me " "Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be alright, sir "?"Yeah." I was curt. Enough of civility. “And your baked potato------?" I knew what was coming next. "I just want the potatoes dry, do you understand? I don't want anything on it.""No butter?” "No." "No sour cream?” "No! Don't you understand English?" I shouted “I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato & a steak.""Would you prefer the small, medium or large steak sir?” "Whatever.” “Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium well or well done? Or if you prefer, we can------""Pauly boy." I interrupted, "You are really starting to get me steamed,""Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sautéed zucchini, diced carrots-----?That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up & looked him in his arrogant eyes & said, "How’d you like to settle this outside.""Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the car park, the side alley or the road in front of the restaurant?""I prefer right here", I said, and punched him hard. "He ducked, and then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semi-conscious into my chair, as someone in authority berated Pauly.I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses I saw the very concerned head waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized & offered to buy me a drink, called the paramedics---whatever I wanted."No, no" I said. "I'll be alright. Just bring me a glass of water." "Yes sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?"

Note: from Readers Digest - January 1996

caricature art courtesy of Gerard Bobis, a talented fellow

the title is from an old journal